Online Dating :Perfectionism and Not Feeling Up-to-it

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I’ve talked on this blog about some of the inner game issues that I deal with.

This blog started out as a journal for Legend and I to talk about the stuff we face in the real world.  Sure, we talk about our successes and techniques we use, but it’s not our objective to put up a front of being a superhuman master pick up artist.

Friday night, I stayed in.  I just didn’t want to be around people.  My feeling was that I was in such a bad mood that I didn’t want people to see me so down.  Moreover, I felt like if I forced myself to approach women online, my crappy state would poison the interactions and I would just feel worse.

I took some time to myself and did some work, then did a powerful, refreshing meditation session.  Once I had a moment to unplug, I realized what it was.

I was beating myself up over not being what I wanted to be, being where I wanted to be and having what I wanted to have.  I wasn’t OK with my situation.

That’s simple enough to understand, but when I was in the fog of it, I couldn’t get a handle on the process that was keeping me down.  All I knew is I felt awful and saw any improvement as hopeless.

But once I was able to see the process that was keeping me down, I also recognized what led me there.  To be honest, I started down that path with the best of intentions.

I started the year with ambitious goals of where I wanted to be in pick-up, with my projects and with my fitness.  And I made progress… tremendous progress up until about mid-April.

And every day, as I looked at the progress, I was thrilled.  On top of the world.  I looked at where I wanted to improve and I saw improvement, so I felt like a winner.

Single Women

But when setbacks started happening, I began to feel terrible.  I wasn’t OK with it.  In fact, I was so myopically focused on my success in these areas it was as if there was nothing else to life.  So I saw only these areas and because I wasn’t winning (or winning as quickly as I wanted to be), I felt terrible.

And there was no escape.  Because I had unconsciously made the decision that these few areas of life were the only thing that mattered, I couldn’t enjoy anything outside of them.

If I wanted to give myself a break, I couldn’t shake the thought that I was losing in the areas that mattered to me.  I couldn’t enjoy watching a movie or talking to a girlfriend online because those relentless standards kept creeping into my thoughts.

So as of Friday night, I adopted a new, simple mantra that I tell myself when any of these painful thoughts come up.

“It’s OK.”

I had a crappy workout today.  “It’s OK.”
I gained weight.  “It’s OK.”
I just don’t feel comfortable approaching tonight.  “It’s OK.”

Dating Girls

The idea that I can be OK with things is liberating for me.  For years I’ve avoided telling myself that situational setbacks were OK because I’ve been terrified of settling for a mediocre life.  That is, if I let myself think that it’s OK to slip up, I’ll just become a comfortable slob who is content with going nowhere in life.

I don’t know if any of you can think about that and relate to it, but I know for me that was a paradigm I’ve been caught up in for a while.  With clarity I can see how it contributes to being on a “progress roller-coaster.”

You know, having months of progress and then “crashing” for several months for some amorphous reason.

The fact is, I don’t make progress because I beat myself up.  I make progress because I’m inspired by what could be.  If anything, being unhappy with “what is” at a given moment is the biggest detriment on me making progress.

To put it differently:  I get stuck when I get caught up in being dissatisfied with what is – it robs me of my ability to be inspired.  But when I am happy with where I am, I have the ability to be inspired by the possibility of what could be.

So I’m going to be OK with everything as it is and let inspiration about improvement naturally carry me forward.

I believe that inner game is the most important piece of the whole pick-up artist / dating / seduction puzzle.  The techniques and tricks are all awesome, but if you can’t feel good taking the actions that lead to progress you’re going to be at a standstill for a while.

If you’re struggling with inner game issues, send me an e-mail.  I offer inner game coaching for guys and single girls who really want to get a handle on their seduction / pua inner game issues, so if that’s something that interests you send me a line.

Also, one of the projects that Legend and I are working on is making a collection of tools and techniques to make picking up women fun instead of being a process or work.  We just finished up our sixth month of our interview series, so if you’re interested in learning ways to make pick-up something natural and fun, sign-up for the our monthly interview club.

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